The Missing Chapter from the Bible

And God said to Adam : "I will give you a woman that will love and cherish you. That will do anything you want her to do, that will accept anything you tell her.  She will be beautiful, sexy and everything you can imagine"

Adam replied : "How must will it cost me?"

God answered : "An arm and a leg!"

Adam thought for a while and then replied, "What can I get for a rib?"

A Longhorn's First Flight

 A Longhorn and a Sooner are sitting next to each other on a four engine jumbo jet and just as the plane takes off the Longhorn turns to the Sooner and says, "You know I've never been on a plane before, I'm a little nervous"

The plane takes off and about halfway through the flight, the captain comes on says, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we've had a little problem with one of our engines and we've had to shut it down, but don't worry; we still have three more engines and we'll just be delayed about fifteen minutes." The Longhorn squirms a little in his seat, but stays calm.

About five minutes later, the captain comes on again, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we've lost another engine,
but don't worry we'll just be delayed another fifteen minutes."

Now the Longhorn is starting to sweat a little.

Ten minutes later, the captain, a little flustered, again comes on, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
we've lost our third engine, but don't worry we have one good engine left and
we'll just be delayed another fifteen minutes." The Longhorn now is getting very upset.

Fifteen minutes later, the captain comes on again, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
I'm sorry to announce we've lost our fourth engine."

Calmly, the Longhorn turns to the Sooner and says, "Darn, at this rate we'll be up here all day!"

A First Grade Teacher Explains to
Her class that she is a Texas Longhorn.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Longhorns too. No one really knowing what a Texas Longhorn was but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristin has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not a Longhorn."

Then, asks the teacher, what are you?

"Why, I'm a proud Texas Aggie," boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red.

She asks Kristin why she is a rebel.
"Well, my mom and dad are Aggies, so I'm an Aggie too."

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly.
"What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron.
 What would you be then?"

A pause, and a smile.

"Then," says Kristin, "I'd be a Longhorn."

GOD, I have  a question?

Man asked GOD, " GOD... Why did you make woman so beautiful?

GOD replied," So you would love her."

Man said," Yea I can see that.... and he pondered and said," But GOD why did you make her so dumb?

GOD replied," So she would love you!"

OHHHH - Ain't this the truth??!! 
If a woman had any sense she wouldn't want
man let alone marry him.  Thank You LORD!
I'll stop complaining about how women are...yea right?!!
 

Did you Hear about an Aggie...

Did you hear about the Aggie who won't use toothpaste because he doesn't have any loose teeth.

Did you hear about the Aggie who moved his house closer to the street to take up the slack in his clothesline?

Did you hear about the Aggie who designed the coolest door on a submarine? It was a screen door. It worked in keeping the fish out.

Did you hear about the Aggie who thought the center of gravity was the letter V?

Did you hear about the Aggie who thought pantyhose was what you watered underwear with?

An Aggie came home and found his wife in bed with another man. The Aggie stormed across the bedroom, took a gun from a dresser drawer and pointed it at his own head. His wife started laughing. "Don't laugh at me!" he said angrily, "You're next!!"

Q: Did you hear about the Aggie who disappeared?
A: Somebody gave him an enema and a haircut.

An Aggie was asked what he thought of the Indianapolis 500.
"I believe they are all innocent", was his reply.

Professor: "Where was Joan of Arc burned?"
Aggie: "All over her body."

During deer season a far-sighted Aggie and his friend went hunting. The Aggie heard a crackle, shot into the brush, and injured his friend. Several hours later the Aggie saw the doctor who tried to save his friend's life. "Your friend would have survived if you hadn't gutted him," the doctor said bluntly. 

The Aggie as asked, "If you found a wallet with $1 million in it, would you give it back?"
After some deliberation he replied, "If I thought they were poor people I definitely would."

Texas A&M discontinued its driver education program. The mule died.

The Aggie's shirt was soaking wet when he went to pick up his date. "Why is your shirt so wet?", she asked. Well, the label inside says, wash and wear.

Q. How do you spoil an Aggie's party?
A. Flush the punchbowl.

Q. Did you see the eclipse last night?
Aggie: No, it was so dark I couldn't see a thing.

The Aggie in the pizza parlor, when asked by the waiter if he wanted his pie cut into six or eight pieces, replied, "Six, I don't believe I can eat eight."